What exactly can be said about Lara Croft that hasn’t already been said? This week we’ll explore my own personal love and hate issues with the aging gaming icon.
Like the herpes you shovel down Valtrex for.. Here again comes Lara Croft. Although I’ve personally seen this bitch die over 250,000 times, she’s still with us. Like a zombie from the grave, she shuffles ever forward.. Like a psycho ex-girlfriend that just can’t take a hint that you don’t want anything to do with her anymore.
It’s Tomb Raider Trilogy time!
Edios, Crystal Dynamics, Square Enix, Buzz Monkey and anybody else that had $5 to throw in.. all pitched in to smooth this polygon fest out to new standards. And I have to say.. Having played these games years ago.. It all came out extremely well. The visuals are stunning.. especially the shadowing. Everything is much brighter than their last-gen counterparts. For the most part, Legends looks almost on-par with the newest game Underworlds. The sound is the exact same, but was pretty good to start with. So, why fix it if it isn’t broke? They even went as far as to smooth out the control scheme, so she doesn’t handle like a tank anymore. I found myself screaming “You stupid fucking cunt..” far less often than I used to.
With the praise I’ve already said about this game, it wouldn’t be right if I didn’t mention the other side of the coin. The size of Lara’s breasts was not increased.. which might be a good thing to some people.. but I won’t be happy until the bitch is packing her tits in a wheelbarrow out in front of her. Yeah, let’s see you do a forward flip under those conditions, cunt.
The collision detection is horrible. Jumping for a rope that’s 3 feet in front of you, only for her to not even reach for it.. just pisses me right the hell off. The controls are still a little strange like that, but for the most part have been vastly improved.
I’ve seen some very strange things in these games. You’ll round a corner and start thru a doorway.. only to see a doorway to what looks like another dimension in place of where the normal doorway should be, and then it will actually load the next room. Lara will frequently talk over herself, if she is “thinking one thing and reading another”.
Some of the trophies in Legends are pretty hardcore.. The time trial trophies are set up so if you make a tiny mistake and die.. you will have to start the entire run again. Alot of the trophies are easier, kill a guy with a TV and you get a trophy. Kick a soccer ball into a door, you get a trophy. Trophies are awarded for finishing levels, and filling requirements like finding every single gold, silver, and bronze reward in the game, getting all the costumes.. etc. Overall, it’s a pretty easy platinum.. but it will take you around 30 hours to achieve it. As far as Anniversary and Underworld go, they are a bit easier to platinum.
So, all in all, if you are one of the 12 people who missed out on these games on the PS2.. it’s truly worth a purchase. If you have already played these on another platform, the improvements added to this version almost warrants another trip through this death fest.
So, here’s to the new game brilliantly labeled “Tomb Raider” scheduled for a near future release.. let’s all hope there’s another huge increase in the tits department.
Last Appeal: 7